Another Stupid Human on Mobius
by Yang Neumann GavlasC
Summary: A bizzare plot contrivance involving a thunderstorm and a clothesline sends another stupid human to Mobius to be tormented by its inhabitants.


Another Stupid Human on Mobius   
By: C. "Snively" Gavlas   
  
  
Sonic, Tails, etc. are all property of Sega and Starchie Comix. Everyone   
else here belongs to someone, too, so don't use any of these characters for   
profit. So there!   
  
  
Okay, here's the lowdown. I, for one, am sick of all of these lame   
"human mysteriously appears on Mobius and ends up (A)Helping the Freedomfighters,   
(B)Getting special powers and becoming some kind of god-moder, or (C)Falling   
in love with one of the Freedomfighters" stories. So, inspired by this hate,   
I have set forth to write a story about what really happens when humans appear   
on Mobius........   
  
  
It was the middle of the night. A young man sat in his tiny, cramped   
apartment, working feverishly at a computer.   
"Just..... one..... more..... alien....." he wheezed deliriously,   
clicking like mad on the keyboard. As the screen flashed in front of his face   
and his carpal tunnel syndrome started to kick in, he wondered why he'd never   
bothered to get a joystick for his computer. But that didn't matter right now....   
if he could finish this, he'd save the world! The universe, even!   
Suddenly, (actually, while I was writing this all down) there was a   
deafening crash of gunfire as the last alien fell in a writhing, screeching,   
bloody heap. Cheering wildly, the young man watched with rabid anticipation   
for the ending sequence. The computer's hard-drive made some grinding sounds,   
then stopped. For a moment, everything was silent. Warily, he glanced over   
at the display lights on the tower. Nothing.   
"ARRRRRRGH! DAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMNDAMN!!!! FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! WHY DID THE FRIGGIN' COMPUTER HAVE TO   
GO AND FREEZE ON ME NOW?! AAAARGH!"   
For a few seconds, he considered bashing his head against the keyboard,   
but he didn't want to get it dirty. Besides, he still had a lot of bruising   
from the last time he'd done that. He sat there for a minute or so, trying to think   
of what he should do next. A spidery hand reached over and flicked the tower off.   
He stared at the blank moniter, cursing under his breath. Then he heard a crashing   
noise from outside. Thunder. Then the power went out.   
.5 of a second later, he was under his bed, whimpering and snuggling   
a flashlight in his arms. "What am I going to do with myself for the next,"   
he looked at his indyglow(TM) wristwatch, "Next six hours? I hate the dark!   
And now my frickin' computer won't work....." He lay there for a few minutes,   
then started to cry.   
  
**********************   
  
Meanwhile, on Mobius......   
  
  
It was a usual day on Mobius. Sonic was running around and making   
snappy comments, Sal was being her usual level-headed, boring self, Rotor was   
hitting on Bunny, Tails was being cute and innocent, and Antoine was acting   
like a total pouffe. Just then, Knuckles came into Knothole. Drunk again.   
As usual.   
So what else is new?   
"SHUT UP!!!"   
  
He rushed up to the first person he saw, and punched him in the face,   
yelling, "Damn you, WHERE'S SONIC?!" The person didn't respond, and it took   
Knuckles a second to realize that he'd decapitated the person with his fist.   
Sighing, he dropped the immobile body, and rushed up to the next person. He   
told himself, "Not that hard, this time..." and kicked the person in the groin   
instead before yelling, "You little bastard! Bring Sonic to me, or I'll kill   
EVERYBODY! Including you!"   
The person fell over onto his side, cursing and wincing back tears of   
pain. "You big red dummy," he managed to snort, "Who do you think I am?!"   
Taken aback, Knuckles looked down at him, and realized that he WAS Sonic.   
"Oh.... heh..." he muttered to himself, helping Sonic up. "Sorry about   
all that," he said apolagetically, "It's just that... -Wait a minute! You're   
Sonic! DIIIIIIEEEE!!!!"   
Knuckles took out a bazooka, and shot it at Sonic. Barely managing   
to dodge the rocket, he sneered, "Nyah nyah, ya missed me!" Knuckles fired at   
Sonic a few more times, blowing up, (in consecutive order) a Quicky-mart, a   
laundromat, and an apartment building. All of the innocent bystanders ran away,   
screaming, so Knuckles shot them too.   
"Why are you trying to blow me up?!" Sonic exclaimed, dodging shot after   
shot.   
"Because someone's stolen all the Chaos Emeralds on my island, and I   
have a vague hunch that it was you! (Either you or Eric Clapton!) Either way,   
you're gonna DIE!" He shot a few more rockets at Sonic, managing to blow up   
half the forest.   
Then Sonic brought out his wildcard; a Kalashnikov PK! Taking the 150-   
pound mounted machine gun in one hand and 30 grenades in the other, he leapt   
into battle, screaming, "BANZAI!!!" From across the forest, Sal heard the sound   
of gunfire and explosions.   
"IEEE!" Antoine screamed, "We iz under attack! Batten zee hatches!   
Les femmes et enfants firzt!" He gave a girly-man scream, then passed out from   
hyperventilation. Princess Sally exclaimed, "What's all that noise? Could   
it be Robotnik?" She ran to the window, to see if she could see the source   
of the explosion, but all she saw was some guy standing below her window, yelling,   
"STELLA!" 'What if Sonic is in trouble?' she thought to herself, 'If Sonic   
is in trouble, then he won't be able to save me!'   
She cried, "Sonic! No!" involuntarily, and leaped out of the window   
to go find Sonic. She landed on the guy, giving him a million-dollar (or   
whatever currency they use on Mobius) view of her rear-end, up close and personal.   
Meanwhile, with Sonic and Knuckles......   
  
"DIIIIIIIIE!" Knuckles yelled, punching Sonic.   
"DIIIIIIIIIE!" Sonic yelled, kicking Knuckles.   
"Peanuts! Ice cold drinks! Peanuts!" yelled Tails, walking around   
the crowd of gawkers with a shoulder-box of comestibes. Bookshire had set up   
a betting stand, and Bunnie was giving a peep-show for anyone who wasn't   
interested in the fight. The only customer so far was Rotor. Just then,   
Geoffrey St. John showed up.   
"Knuckles!" he yelled, "Stop beating the tea and crumpets out of Sonic!   
That is my duty, you callous fiend!"   
"Ah, sard off!" Knuckles yelled, punching Sonic in the nose, "You couldn't   
beat the cotton out of a teddy bear, you fairy!"   
"Yeah!" Sonic yelled, breaking Knuckles' tail off. Geoffrey separated   
the two, saying, "Now, now.... When you two stop fighting, I'll take you to   
the local pub for some lager and english muffins, and then we can go for a   
ride in my lorry!"   
"No way!" Sonic exclaimed, "You always drive on the wrong side of the   
road!" Knuckles looked at Sonic, and hissed, "You thinkin' what I'm thinkin'?"   
"Truce?"   
"Yep..."   
  
Sonic and Knuckles both punched Geoffrey in the face at the same time,   
yelling, "Butt out of our fight, you gaylord!" In the audience, Tails snickered,   
"Huh, huh... They said "butt"." All in all, it was a typical, happy day on   
Mobius. But back on Earth.....   
  
The young man crouched under his bed, shivering and sniveling to   
himself. "It's the apocalypse...." he whimpered, shining his flashlight out   
into the darkness. Just then, he heard a violent crash from outside.   
"Aw, man..." he griped, "Don't tell me the clothesline fell over again!"   
He slowly got up, and went outside to assess the damage. Out on the apartment   
roof, it was raining heavily and lightning flashed across the sky, and, genius   
that he was, he'd failed to even bring along an umbrella. He shone the flashlight   
around, trying to look through the rain and the fog on his glasses, and   
finally his gaze fell upon the clothesline. It was standing upright, good as   
ever. Shivering, he stumbled over to examine it, hoping that it wouldn't fall   
over while he was next to it.   
"Lousy damn thing..... all it's ever done is fall over and attract   
earwigs to hide in my clothing...." He looked at it, and pushed against it   
to see how secure it was. Just then, there was a bright flash as lightning   
struck the pole, frying him into unconsciousness. When he awoke, he was not   
where he had been.........   
  
"Unghhh....." he groaned, slowly waking up, "This is even worse than   
that time I stuck a fork into the electrical socket..... I wonder why I keep   
on talking to myself, anyways...." He opened his eyes, and saw nothing except   
blurred shapes. A few of them moved, and he heard a voice say, "Well, he's   
finally waking up."   
Another voice said, "Darn, and I had dibs on his pocket-calculator   
too....." A brown-red shape leaned over him, and said, "How are you feeling?"   
Gagging from the person's garlic breath, he wheezed, "Terrible... Say,   
I've got some tic-tacs in my pocket, would you like one?" Someone said, "Not   
anymore, mister. I fed them all to the cat as soon as I found 'em."   
He grunted, as the person leaning over him drove her elbow into his   
sternum and said, "Well, now that you're up, I'd like to ask you a few questions.   
What's your name? How did you suddenly and mysteriously appear on Mobius?   
Could I keep your pocket-calculator anyways?"   
"Yang Neumann, don't know what the hell you mean, and no, that damn   
thing cost me fifty bucks, in that order..." he replied. He started to sit up, but the   
roan figure pushed him down again; this time, she put her elbow into his gut,   
and snarled, "I said, "I'd like your pocket-calculator." Do you know who I   
am?"   
"Uh, no. Who are you?"   
"I am _Princess Salair Alicia Acorn_! And when I say I want something,   
I damn well get it!" She shoved down harder, making him choke on his bile,   
and he whimpered, "All right, all right, you can have the damn calculator.   
Just lay off me, already!"   
He fished through his pocket, but found that the calculator was gone.   
Straining his eyes, he could see her holding it already, and playing with it.   
He got up, and said, "Can I have my glasses back?"   
Someone giggled. "Well," a huge purple figure standing in the corner   
of the room said, "I want something from you, too. And since Tails took your   
tic-tacs, and Sonic took your pants, I'm taking your glasses."   
"Hey!" Yang exclaimed, "You can't just go around stealing from helpless   
people!"   
"Oh yeah? Well, tell ya what; how about I "roll shambeau" you for them?"   
"Huh?"   
The red woman groaned, exclaiming, "Don't start that again, Rotor! Just   
give him his damn glasses. You got his tie, anyways..."   
"Don't wanna." Rotor grunted sullenly. Then he walked up to Yang, and   
said, "Okay. I've hidden your glasses somewhere in this room. If you can't   
find them in two minutes, I get to keep them AND your medic-alert bracelet."   
"No fair! I can't even see without my glasses! How am I supposed to   
find them? Besides, you probably hid them somewhere that I can't reach..."   
"Whose problem is that?" Rotor grumbled, cracking his knuckles and   
belching sonorously. The smell of sweat and beer emanated from him, making   
Yang cringe. The red one sighed, and handed him his glasses. When he put   
them on and saw the company he was in, he screamed.   
  
"AUGH! TELETUBBIES ARE FOR REAL!!!!" he shrieked, passing out.   
When he came to about a minute later, he realized that someone had taken his   
underwear while he was out. But he also realized that, in place of his pathetic,   
bandy-legged human body, he had a pathetic, bandy-legged furry body! "Well,   
at least I won't have to worry about my underwear now..." he thought to himself.   
He stood up, and looked at the furries around him. "Okay," he said aloud,   
"So now I'm in Teletubby land. You," he pointed to the red woman, "Must be..   
uh.... Schmoe.... and you've gotta be Dipso..." he pointed to the purple one,   
who was wearing his tie like a headband, "And you're Winkle-tinkle...Arr, I   
never watched that dumb show! Just tell me your names!"   
The red woman stopped fiddling with the pocket-calculator, and extended   
a hand. "My name is Princess Sally, but my friends call me, "Thunderthighs"."   
As he shook her hand, he noticed that she'd had her name engraved in the   
calculator's cover. Now he was REALLY glad he hadn't got around to replacing   
the battery when the warning symbol came on... The little fox walked up to   
him and brought out his hand, saying, "My name is Tails! Would'ja like to   
shake hands?"   
"Err..." Yang mumbled, extending a hand in greeting. Tails jerked his   
paw away, shrieking, "PSYCH!" and giggling with maniacal glee. Yang rolled   
his eyes. The walrus addressed himself as "Rotor", and was about to engrave   
it onto Yang's head when a blue blazin' blur shot into the room. He was carrying   
a red, rabid-looking animal with a wild head of hair in his arms. "Whazzup?!"   
he exclaimed in a way that automatically made him the center of attention.   
He rushed over to Sally and ravished her, sneering, "Like my new pants? Or   
would'ja rather I had them off right now..." Sally giggled, "You tease," then   
asked, "Why are you carrying Knuckles in your arms?"   
"He's not carrying me," Knuckles grumbled, "He's holding me by the   
hair...." Sonic dropped Knuckles, and turned to Yang.   
"Who the hell are you?!" he exclaimed. Yang squinted, trying to figure   
out why the name "Sonic" seemed familiar in the back of his mind. Then it   
struck him.   
"Hey, I recognize you! You're that Sonic porcupine guy! And you must   
be.." he looked at Knuckles, "A red Sonic or something....!"   
Sonic rolled his eyes(?), saying, "It's Sonic _The_ _Hedgehog_, dumbass!"   
He put his hand up in a blocking gesture, sneering, "Besides, I don't _speak   
geek_."   
"How the hell should I know?!" Yang exclaimed, "I never played that   
stupid game! And if I'm such a geek, why did you take my pants?!"   
Sonic blushed. "Oh, err......." he muttered, then sped off. Knuckles   
stood up, visually assessing the new guy. "Say, what're you doing here..."   
he asked, his eyes narrowing. Yang felt himself break into a nervous sweat,   
and he stuttered, "I- I don't know what I'm doing here... I'm, uhh, I'm from   
Earth..... Uh.... Hong Kong...?"   
The group broke into a unison groan. "Not again," Sal grumbled, "I   
guess you'll want to join us Freedom Fighters and help defeat the villianous   
Robotnik now, gaining magic powers and becoming more happy than you ever were   
on Earth, right?"   
"Uuuh?" Yang exclaimed, "What're you talking about......" Sal patted   
him on the shoulder, saying, "Well then, it's settled. Tomorrow, you're going   
on your first mission to Robotropolis with Sonic and whoever else I can think   
of. For now, I'll get Tails here to show you around the village so that you   
can meet the friendly, rugged people of Knothole and become impressed by our   
team spirit. If you haven't found some obscure character to become close friends   
with or fall in love with by tonight, just tell me and I'll set you up with   
someone. Can you be brave?"   
"Eh?" Yang exclaimed, more confused than before. Tails grabbed his   
hand like it was a turd, and snarled, "Come on, Yank, I guess I'd better show   
you around if I ever want to get home in time for the hockey game..."   
  
  
  
  
As they walked throught Knothole, Yang met, for the first time ever,   
some very fascinating people. On a street corner, Tails introduced Yang to   
a scantily-clad bunny with a robotic arm and legs. "Hey there, sugah," she   
squealed when she saw him coming, "Are you in tha mood fer a good tahm? For   
jes' fifty dollas, Ah can mayke ya the happiest-"   
Tails hissed, "He's not a customer, Bunnie" to her, and she shut straight   
up and ignored him. Tails said, "This is Bunnie, the bunny. Sally says she's   
a woman of the night, but I know what that really means..." he giggled, and   
led Yang away. As they passed by a storefront, he noticed his reflection in   
the glass, and asked, "What the hell am I supposed to be, anyways?" A passerby   
muttered, "I could give a few suggestions," but was ignored by all. Tails   
looked boredly at him for a second, then muttered, "I dunno, Yank. A Bonzo   
Dog?"   
He looked at the reflection, and said, "Dooh-Dah to that...." Tails   
giggled, "You said "Doo-doo"! That's a bad word!" Yang hit him on the head,   
and he kicked Yang in the shins. Then they continued on. As they passed by   
a pristine-looking hut with little birds chirping in the window, and plaited   
pink curtains, Yang heard an eerie squeal. Then a faggy-looking fox with blond   
hair and an apron jumped out the front door.   
"Oh, Tailz!" the fox shrieked, "Ah am overjoyed! Tu has finally seen   
zee light, and become un membre of ze homosexual population! And you, mah friend,"   
he smooched Yang on the cheek, "Ah ahm zo happy pour you! You are truely un   
Adonis!" As Antoine burst into tears of joy, and Tails screamed, "Gay Alarm!   
Gay Alarm!" until his throat was hoarse, Yang freaked out, exclaiming, "My   
shirt's only pink because I put it in the laundry with my red beach-towel!"   
About ten seconds later, a huge crowd, bearing tidings of ill joy as well as   
crowbars and pillowcases full of doorknobs appeared on Antoine's doorstep, and   
Tails and Yang ran like bastards to escape the gay-basher patrol.   
  
"Who was that crazy pouffe?!" Yang gasped, as the two of them hid in   
a cafe, trying to catch their breaths. Tails managed to gasp, "That's Antoine,   
the village fag. If you ever see him, just mention "professional sports" and   
he'll leave you alone." Just then, a little girl ran up to Tails. It was Amy   
Rose.   
"Tails!" she squealed, snuggling up to him, "Would you like to come   
over to my house and play "tea party"?"   
Tails sneered, "Like I want a hole in my head..." Yang muttered, "That   
could be arranged," and Tails stomped his foot under the table. Amy whined,   
"But Taaaaaaails, I can't have a tea party with only my dolls; that's boring!"   
"Amy," Tails hissed, "I'm busy right now. And besides, I already have   
a girlfriend."   
"WHO?!" Amy looked horrified. Tails thought for a split-second, then   
said, "Uh, her!" and pointed at Yang. Yang exclaimed, "I'm not a-" but Tails   
booted him in the crotch, shutting him up and immobilizing him at the same time.   
He reminded himself to use that on a later occasion, as it was much more   
effective than kicking in the shins.   
Amy Rose sniffled for a second, her eyes filling with tears, then she   
wailed, "YOU DON"T LOVE ME ANYMORE!!! WAAAAAH!" and ran off. Yang   
managed to groan, "You... didn't have to... kick me there," then struggled to his   
feet and continued, "Can we go now? I really want to finish this so I can get   
home or something."   
"You're tellin' me," Tails grumbled, leading the bespectacled green   
dog away.   
  
  
Meanwhile, in Robotropolis......   
  
  
"A-ha-ha-haaa!!!" The villainous Dr. Robotnik laughed, gloating over   
his latest evil scheme. "This, Snively," he said, addressing his chronically   
drunken lackey, "Is truly my most evil and vile scheme yet!"   
Snively yawned, and scratched his pencil-neck. "Tell me about it..."   
he muttered, dozing off again. Robotnik grinned evilly, and pressed a button   
on the wall. There was a little computerized fanfare, and a panel opened up   
in the wall with another button on it. He pressed this one, and one of the   
shelves fell over, revealing a secret compartment in the wall with the Chaos   
Emeralds inside.   
"Well, Snively, here is my plan: I will lure the Freedom Fighters into   
a trap, and capture one of them, forcing him to tell me the location of Knothole.   
Then, using my newest weapon, the "Chaos Emerald Ray X9000", and an army of   
invincible robots, I will storm into Knothole and destroy all of the Freedom   
Fighters! A-ha-ha-ha!!!"   
"You know," Snively mumbled, "That sounds like every other plan you've   
used in the past ten years."   
"Maybe, Snively, but this one has a catch!"   
"Uh, yer...?"   
"You see, up until now, I have always tried to capture Sonic or Sally   
and make them tell the location of Knothole. But Sonic is too stupid to give   
good directions, as we found with "Operation North Pole", and all women seem   
to have too much integrity to squeal.... even that wussy little Amy Rose; all   
she did was cry! That confounded screaming of hers almost fried my eardrums...."   
"Serves you right, you stupid suck..." Snively muttered.   
"What did you say?!"   
"Er, well this plan should have better luck... heh..."   
"Yes! Even as we speak, that moronic echidna guardian is going to   
Freedom Fighter headquarters to ask for help. Within a day or so, they should   
come knocking on my doorstep... with my new "fink detector" I'll be able to   
determine the Freedom Fighter most likely to spill his guts, and then..... ha   
ha ha...."   
  
"Eh, whatever...." Snively sighed, taking a pull from his hip-flask   
and looking off into the distance.   
  
  
That evening in Knothole, the Freedom Fighters celebrated their annual   
barbecue, with a sacrifice of smoked meat and raw hamburger, as well as a lot   
of beer and potato salad. By now, Yang had met just about all of the Freedom   
Fighters, and was slowly forming his own opinion about Mobius.   
"God, this place sucks!" he exclaimed unhappily, sulking over a half-   
empty Corona at the bar. "Why the hell did I have to get stuck in this miserable   
little piss-hole of a planet, anyways? The people here are a bunch of morons   
and pickpockets, and I'm starting to go into computer withdrawal....."   
Just then, someone sat next to him. Hoping it wasn't that fruitcake   
again, he looked over at the person, who smiled and said, "Say, you're new around   
here. What's your name?"   
"Er, Yang. Who're you?"   
The creature, who looked vaguely like Sonic, smiled again, replying,   
"My name is Marty. Marty the Rock Hyrax. I guess you're the guy who appeared   
in a flash of lightning, eh? Pleased to meet you."   
They shook hands, and then a girl sat down next to Marty. "Oh, this   
is Kelly Walnut, my fiancee," he said. She smiled, and said, "Hello. You must   
be Yank; Tails has told me all about you!"   
"Uh, yeah.... actually, it's Yang...." he replied. She giggled, "Oh,   
sorry," and signalled the barkeeper. He came over to the three, and grunted,   
"What'll it be?"   
"Two coolers for us, and a glass of brandy for my friend here," Marty   
said. Yang was about to say that he didn't drink anything apart from Corona,   
but he didn't want to seem ungrateful, as Marty was paying the barkeeper.   
"So, Yang, where are you from?" Kelly asked when they had their drinks.   
"Uh, well, I'm from Earth. A city called Hong Kong... guess you wouldn't   
have heard of it, though...."   
"Oh, I've heard of Hong Kong before," Marty said, "Isn't that the city   
with all the whores and drug-addicts?"   
"Uh..." Yang felt his face redden.   
"Oh, yes! Tell me, Yang, do you have any "smack"? We Mobians just   
love trying new things!"   
Yang choked a little as he downed his drink. "Er," he muttered, wiping   
his mouth with the back of his hand, "actually, I'm not that kind of, ah,   
person...... Say, are there any cities on Mobius?"   
Marty sighed. "There used to be, before Robotnik took over.....   
Believe it or not, this planet was once beautiful and peaceful, just like your   
Earth..."   
Suppressing a giggle, Yang replied, "Well, actually, Earth isn't   
peaceful or beautiful.... robotnik.. heh... Er, go on..."   
"Yes, Robotnik is an evil overlord who has enslaved this planet under   
his iron will. We here in Knothole are a rugged band of Freedom Fighters, who   
hope to one day free this planet from his bondage and make it safe for our   
people once more..."   
He looked off into the stars, a melancholy expression on his face.   
Kelly looked at Yang, then said, "Oh my! I guess we'd better get refills;   
Barkeeper!"   
Feeling the alchohol kick him in the head, Yang sighed, "Ah, no....   
thas- that's okay, really..." but the barkeeper had already filled their glasses   
again. Kelly sipped her cooler demurely, then said, "So, Yang, tell us about   
Earth..."   
Yang took in a deep breath- now his head was beginning to swim, and   
he sighed and continued, "Well, there's really not- not much to say. Earth's...   
well, it looks kinda like Mobius, 'cept that there's humans instead of lurry-   
ah, furry little animals. We've cities, farms... we keep little animals as   
pets, an' go to college and shtuff- stuff. There's McDonaldses on Earth...   
'R there any chain-restaurants here?"   
"Well, we have Furby's," Marty said.   
"Wha'd they serve?"   
"Anything they can catch."   
"Sounds gross."   
"Trust me, you havn't seen their Sunday Buffet..."   
Yang whimpered a little, snivelling quietly to himself. "I jus' wanna   
go home," he whined, "Thish place suck'sash!"   
"That's okay," Marty said, "I'm sure you'll miss your home for a long   
time. But the people of Mobius are friendly, and we'd love to have another   
pair of helping hands as we rebuild our fragile planet. So, what do you say,   
will you join- Oh! Barkeeper!"   
The barkeeper came over. He refilled their glasses, then commented,   
"Say, Marty, your friend looks pretty inebriated. Is he your designated driver   
for the evening?"   
"No."   
"Okay. Here you go, kids," he said, handing them the drinks and going   
back to spit-polishing glasses. Kelly giggled, saying, "Oh, the barkeeper is   
such a good friend of ours, isn't he? I know, Yang! Would you like to try   
a "Mickey Finn"?"   
Yang hiccupped. "Mickey Mouse?"   
"No, you silly, a "Mickey Finn"! It's our specialty here on Mobius!"   
"Uh, no thanks.... Think I've 'ad enuf booze for one night....."   
Yang squinted, noticing with slight embarassment that everyone at the bar except   
for him had just grown a third eye. He just hoped he wouldn't stand out, what   
with the fishbowl on his head...   
"Oh, Barkeeper," Kelly called out, "Yang would like to try a "Mickey   
Finn", okay?"   
The barkeeper raised an eyebrow. "Uh, okay, but if the pigs come here,   
you know what my policy is..." He dropped a pill into Yang's glass, which Yang   
didn't seem to particularly notice. He took one swig, and fell over off the   
barstool and onto his head. The other barflies laughed at their fallen comrade,   
and Kelly and Marty pulled his shoes off his feet before running away.   
Yang woke up about 20 minutes later. His first impression was the one   
he'd made in the pavement with his head after the barkeeper threw him out into   
the gutter. His second one was the realization that his feet were bare. This,   
along being suddenly and violently ill, had an instant sobering effect on him,   
and he stood up and ran off, yelling, "Come back with my shoes, you double-   
crossing bastards!"   
"Ha-ha!" Tails giggled, "He said, "Bastard"!" Yang threw a chunk of   
the pavement at him as he ran, snarling, "Aw, shaddup!"   
  
Finally, after running himself into a state of helpless exhaustion,   
Yang realized that he was lost in the middle of a dark and impenetrable forest.   
He sat down on a stump, picking burrs out from between his toes, and griped,   
"Great! Oh well, at least I'm not with those assholes anymore. What am I going   
to do now..."   
Just then, he noticed a party of Mobians moving through the woods nearby.   
One of them, a girl echidna, seemed especially to catch his eye. She was tall   
and slim; the moonlight shone on her beautiful blue contacts and her gently   
tinted hair. With each step, her convincing "false front" moved gently with   
a bobbing motion.   
'Hubba hubba ding ding!' a voice in the back of Yang's head said, and   
he was off like a shot, running towards her.   
  
  
Julie-Su led her small party of determined Dork- ah, Dark Legion Rebels   
through the Mobian forest. "Come on, my comrades," she said, "We must press   
on to Knothole. Knuckles is there, along with other Freedom Fighters, and they'll   
need our help with their dangerous mission. For the good of Mobius, we must-"   
A voice and the sound of rambunctious, hormonally-charged footsteps   
cut her off. "Hey," somebody in the distance yelled, "Can I have your phone   
number?!"   
Julie-Su raised an eyebrow, muttering, "Who the hell is that?" and looking   
in the direction of the noise. Using her special night-vision goggles, (actually, they   
were just two toilet-rolls with green cellophane snapped over their ends with a rubber   
band, but she's such a bimbo that she couldn't tell, anyways...) she managed to   
make out the source of the noise; a wienery-looking green animal wearing a pink   
shirt and glasses, running in her general direction. The other DL rebels snickered   
and yawned, waiting with great anticipation for the spectacle of Julie-Su VS the rest   
of the world to unfold. Finally Yang reached her, and, in the light of the moon, he   
wheezed and caught his breath, then said, "Say, what's a pretty chick like you doing   
in the middle of the forest on a night like this?"   
Julie-Su's eyes glowed red, and she punched Yang in the teeth, snarling,   
"Ahr, get lost, kid! I gotta planet to save..." Undaunted by this hostile behaviour,   
Yang put on a charming smile, and said, "Oh, a woman of action, I see..... I could   
help, if you like!"   
Julie-Su grabbed Yang by the lapels and shook him firmly. "Listen,   
chuckles," she growled, "I don't need to take crap from a sexist Robotnik-supporter   
like you! Now get lost before I shoot your ass off!"   
Yang snickered, "robotnik..." under his breath, and Julie-Su yelled, "What's   
that?! You makin' fun of my family?!! Alright, punk, you're gonna get it   
now, and good! I PUT UP WITH YA BECAUSE YOU'VE GOT A PRETTY FACE, BUT I'M   
GETTING SICK AN' TIRED OF YOUR LITTLE-" she gasped in another breath,   
"REINDEER GAMES!!"   
By now the other rebels were rolling about on the ground and howling   
with laughter. Another girl echidna, Chrissie-tine, gawked at Julie-Su and exclaimed,   
"Cripes! Cool down, for God's sakes!" and Julie-Su knocked her onto her can.   
More laughter from the rebels; one of them began to choke on his saliva, and   
gagged mirthfully, exclaiming, "What a psycho! Wa-ha-ha!"   
Julie-Su screamed, "WHAT'RE YOU LAUGHING AT, EH? YOU BUNCHA   
LOSERS, I DON'T NEED YOU! YOU'RE WEAK!!!" and ran off in the general direction   
of Knothole. The other rebels sighed and reformed into a troupe; "Well, I   
guess it's back to the circus for us...." Chrissie-tine yawned, helping Yang   
to his feet. Then they marched off, chanting, "We want you! We want you!   
We want you as a new recruit!" leaving Yang alone, again.   
"Oh bugger." Yang grumped, sitting down on another stump. Eventually   
he got up and walked back to Knothole, managing to get there in time for breakfast.   
  
He found Sally in the village square, helping the other Freedom Fighters   
prepare for their mission to Robotropolis. He tapped her on the shoulder,   
saying, "Uh, what's happening?" and she turned around, exclaiming, "Who the   
hell are you?"   
He squinted. "Uh, I'm Yang, from yesterday...?"   
"Oh yeah! Now I remember you! Say, I've got a special job for you, to   
prove your bravery and loyalty to the Freedom Fighters. Now, with today's   
special mission, we're going straight into the center of Robotnik's evil empire   
to try and retrieve the Chaos Emeralds. You, Julie-Su, Antoine, Tails and   
Sonic are team "B", and it is your special mission to find them, avoid all of   
Robotnik's deadly traps, and save Mobius. Can you do it?"   
"Eh..." Yang put on the expression of a man who is either severely   
confused or severely nauseated- which could have been either for him- and   
exclaimed, "No! How the hell am I supposed to help, I only just came here   
and I'm not even sure I want to be a member of your little club; as far as   
I've seen so far, you guys are a bunch of assholes! What you're saying makes   
no sense at all! And what about that Knuckles guy?! Isn't he supposed to be   
taking care of those emeralds?!!"   
Sally sighed. "Well, Knuckles has a hangover. Now, I know you have   
doubts about your abilities, but you just _have_ to trust in yourself and be   
strong. All of Mobius is depending on you and your friends..."   
"Those people aren't my friends! And besides, I- Did you say, "Julie-Su"?"   
Sally nodded. "Yes, she came all the way from Darklegionville, the   
home of the nefarious Dark Legion, just so she could help us. Maybe you should   
follow her example, and put your own doubts and cowardice aside, and just be   
all you can be! We're counting on you, Sam-"   
"Uh, my name is Yang..."   
"whatever, it doesn't make a difference. Just be strong. You have to!"   
  
Sally took out a megaphone and yelled, "OKAY, PEOPLE, IT'S TIME FOR   
ACTION. NOW, TEAM "A" IS GOING TO STAY IN KNOTHOLE AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES AND   
EAT CHIPS AND ICE-CREAM, AND TEAM "B" IS GOING TO FLY TO ROBOTROPOLIS AND   
ATTEMPT TO DESTROY ROBOTNIK'S EVIL PLANS! ANY QUESTIONS?"   
  
Antoine waved a hand in the air. "Uh, oui, J'ai un question: Why eez-"   
  
"OKAY, PEOPLE, IT'S SETTLED! NOW GO! GO! GO!"   
Everyone in team "A", (the entire populace of Knothole, minus team   
"B", and Rotor, who's lactose-intolerant, and Knuckles, who has a hangover) ran off to the   
Community Center, and team "B" shuffled off to the Hangar, cursing bitterly.   
  
"Well, this is just great," Julie-Su snarled, "They get to play games,   
while we get the shaft! Why the nerve of the bastards, I could just.....   
just strangle someone!" Tails sniffled, "And I bet they have Zelda64 sixty-four,   
too..." then sat down and began to cry.   
"Aw, geez," Sonic grunted, "Now the little wiener's started crying.   
What the hell am I supposed to-"   
He noticed Tails looking at him, and exclaimed, "Uh, uh, I mean, uh...   
I'm sorry, Little Buddy, I wanted to play video games and have a party instead   
of flying through a storm to Robotropolis and getting my butt fried, too!"   
Antoine whimpered, "Mah potted petunias, Ah shall never see zem again!   
Oh, woe eez me!" and joined the crowd. Yang rolled his eyes. "Oh brother..."   
he muttered, "I can't believe you guys are so negative. After all, you're   
supposed to be the heros! And besides, who the hell would be afraid of a villain   
with a dorky name like, "Robotnik" anyways? Buck up!"   
Sonic snarled, "Aw, shaddup!" but Julie-Su realized what Yang was saying,   
and exclaimed, "He's right! We've never lost a fight before- everybody knows   
the number one rule of Comix: The Heros Never Lose! It's the oldest axiom   
in the book! Does Superman ever lose a fight? No! Does Wonder Woman ever   
lose a fight? No! So, would even an innovative, original writer like Ken   
Penders make a story where we lose? No! With the almighty pen of stereotypical,   
shallow plots behind us, we can't be defeated! Now let's go!"   
A cheer of "Hooray!" echoed through the Hangar, followed by a yell of,   
"Shut up!" from Knuckles, who had been asleep in the back of the Sonic plane.   
After they kicked him out and cleaned up the mess he'd made, they were off,   
heading towards Robotropolis.   
  
  
As the plane flew through the air, something struck Yang. "Say," he   
called from the back seat, "Why is a four-year-old piloting this thing? And   
why do we have five people on such a puny little aircraft, anyways? Wouldn't   
this defy the laws of physics or something?"   
Sonic shrugged, and Julie-Su snarled, "Don't doubt the laws of physics!   
My dear brother, Mike, DIED because he doubted the laws of physics! So never   
make that mistake!" Yang raised an eyebrow, and settled back in his seat.   
Then he noticed Antoine was sitting next to him.   
"Ugh! What're YOU doing here?!" he exclaimed, edging away from the   
faggy francais fox. Antoine smiled demurely. "Why, mah petit poubelle," he   
said, smiling, "Ah am juzt enjoying zee air wiz vous. Eez eet not un beatiful   
day?"   
Yang noticed dark clouds forming on the horizon, and replied, "Uh, not   
really, no....." Antoine giggled, "Oh, you teeze...." and Yang gritted his   
teeth, looking nervously at Antoine, and then the dark clouds in the distance.   
Sonic looked back at them and said, "Say, Antoine, how's your new girlfriend   
doing, ha ha?"   
Yang's face reddened, and Antoine exclaimed, "How dare you deezhonor   
me! Ah weel fight you!" He leapt to his feet, and charged at Sonic; the   
hedgehog ducked his attack, and he fell over the side of the plane and into   
the darkened forest below.   
"Holy shit!!" Yang exclaimed, staring down as Antoine took the plunge.   
Sonic shrugged, muttering, "So much for him...." and Julie-Su raved quietly to   
herself. At the front of the plane, Tails giggled, and called back, "Hey,   
everybody, we're in for some rough weather!"   
Yang swallowed, sinking into his seat and tightening his seatbelt.   
Tails heard his whimpering, and added, "I hope nobody here gets air-siiiiiiiick!"   
'Do I?' Yang wondered, hoping he didn't but having a bad feeling that,   
considering how trashy things had been going for him so far, he would. Sonic   
exclaimed, "Oh no! This is the worst storm I've ever seen! Tails! Please,   
we have to turn back! Before it's too late! For the love of God, please!   
We're all going to die for sure if we fly into this maelstrom!"   
Tails yelled, "But we haaaaaave to! All of Mobius is depending on us!   
If we turn back we'll-"   
  
The little plane did a nosedive, prompting girlish squeals of, "Ooh,   
I'm scared!" from Julie-su, excited whoops and cat-calls from Tails and Sonic   
and hoarse screams from Yang. Eventually Tails pulled back again, giggling,   
"Wasn't that fu-uun?!"   
Sonic laughed, "Yeah, you sure had us fooled, little buddy!"   
Yang wheezed, then exclaimed, "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!!   
ARE YOU TRYING TO FRIGGING KILL US?!"   
Tails looked back, mildly disappointed. "Oh, you're still here?" he   
yawned, pulling back on the handle. Rough winds from the storm batted the   
small craft back and forth as it struggled through the dark and ominous sky,   
and rain poured down, soaking the people who hadn't been smart enough to sit   
under the wing when the plane took off.   
"Aw, man...." Sonic grumbled, feeling the whole of nature's fury against   
his oversized head. Julie-su heard him, and said, "Oh, you must be getting   
soaked up there! Why don't you come under here where it's dry?" Sonic smiled,   
replying, "Thanks, Julie-su, that's real thoughtful of you!"   
Yang sniffled, shivering in his drenched fur coat and trying to ignore   
the rather nasty sensation that he'd had in his gut ever since they took off.   
'How the hell can real animals stand these furry bodies?' he wondered, unfolding   
a travel pamphlet he'd found and wrapping it around himself. Hearing some   
moaning sounds, he looked up ahead, and saw Sonic and Julie-su necking. Somehow,   
seeing this just made him feel worse. Just then, Tails screamed, "TWISTER!!!"   
and the plane was blasted sideways. More squeals from Julie-Su, and a kecking   
sound from Yang. Tails looked back, and, seeing Yang doubled-over in a state   
of severe nausea, yelled back, "WHY YANG! YOU GET AIRSICK OR SOMETHIN'?"   
Grimacing, he exclaimed, "AW, SHADDUP! I DON'T GET- uh..... oooohh,"   
he paled a little, as the plane turned a hard right, then managed to gasp,   
"ohgod... why.. URP! whyme.." before puking all over the back seat. Julie-Su   
exclaimed, "EW! MEGA-GROSS!" and Sonic and Tails both laughed, "Haw-haw!" in   
unison.   
"Eh.... screw you guys...." Yang croaked, wiping his mouth with a wet   
paw. Finally, the dark city of Robotropolis appeared on the horizon, and the   
plane landed in full sight of Robotnik's many SWATbot patrols. Mysteriously,   
the appearance of a bright blue airplane with the writing "SONIC RULZ" on the   
side passed unnoticed by the robotic soldiers. As the four made their way into   
the city, they were met by Antoine.   
"Why, allo, mes baies de champes! Ah am so glad to be zeeing yous   
again; let me tell you of my increedible struggle as Ah made mah way to   
Robotropoleez! Eet eez a tale of hardships and bravery....."   
"Aw, fuck off, Ant." Sonic grumbled, nailing him in the groin. Tails   
giggled, "Huh-huh..... she said "groin"...." and Yang elbowed the little fox.   
Seeing Yang, Antoine exclaimed, "What has hapenned to vous, mah little vache?   
You are lookeeng all wet et unhappy! Let me mahke you feel better...."   
Noticing where Antoine was looking, Yang started off, exclaiming, "Hey!   
Are you propositioning me or something?! I have to let you know that I am not   
that kind of guy, and just because I can't get a date, it doesn't mean that   
I- Hey! Leggo!"   
Sonic and Tails burst out laughing as Antoine grabbed Yang and kissed   
him. Hard. On the mouth. Screaming hoarsely, Yang punched Antoine in the   
teeth, and threw up again. Then he screamed some more, and ran off into the   
city.   
Julie-Su tapped her foot impatiently, saying, "Now look, Antoine!   
Look, and see the pain that your unabashed homosexuality has caused us, and   
just try to tell me it's normal! You can't go around, forcing your unnatural   
beliefs on us, Antoine. What have you got to say for yourself?"   
Antoine mumbled, "mes dents....." then got down on hands and knees to   
try and find the rest of his teeth.   
  
  
"He-ey....." Snively muttered, reeling in front of the surveilance   
system, "Oy think'sat theh's sumf- sumthing 'ere..... Suh? Theh's sumfing   
blue on this 'ere televishun, Suh..."   
Robotnik sighed, and put down his golf-club. "Snively, you're   
interrupting my game. This had better be important, or I'll castrate you.   
AGAIN."   
Snively raised an eyebrow, wondering vaguely if that could actually   
be done, then said, "Oy said ther's sumthin' on the tellyvishun, Sh'ir. Maybe   
the 'edge'og...?"   
Robotnik grumbled, "Oh, you're probably just getting the shakes again,   
you little sot. Shut up and go have some coffee or something."   
  
Snively shrugged, then passed out, falling off his seat.   
  
Yang ran like a bastard through Robotropolis, until he came to an   
abandoned warehouse on the docks, where he tripped over a fallen roadsign.   
"I've got to get out of here!" he exclaimed, horrified, "I hate this place! It sucks!"   
While he sat there, he wondered vaguely if he could engineer some other sort   
of strange phenomena to send him back to Earth. Then he remembered   
something horrible about this kind of story- the protagonist NEVER gets back   
home!   
"NO!! GOD, NOOO! WHAT THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO-"   
  
His frantic monologue was cut off by a mechanical voice, which said,   
"Apprehend... priority one... hedgehog...." He looked towards the source of the   
noise, vaguely curious, and saw a large, humanoid robot, which was marching   
slowly towards him. It was holding a large and rather frightening looking gun, the   
sort of weapon which hurt a lot coming in one side, and hurt even more going out   
the other.   
Yang was about to exclaim, "Holy crap!" and run, when he realized that,   
(A) this was probably one of the bad guy's robots, and (B) any villian with a stupid   
name like "Robotnik" was probably an absolute cream-puff. So he just sat there,   
and waited for the robot to come pick him up. Besides, he was now able to make   
out the writing, "MADE IN CHINA" stamped clearly on the side of the gun. After   
waiting for five minutes while the robot made its way towards him, he lost patience   
and walked over to it, saying, "Alright, I surrender. Just get me outta this horrible   
place, okay?"   
The robot's gears made a grinding noise, and it monotoned, "Apprehend...   
priority one... fink..." then grabbed Yang roughly by the lapels and carried him off.   
Just then, Sonic, Tails, and the others arrived.   
"Yank!" Julie-Su exclaimed, "The SWATbots have got him!"   
Sonic looked at her and raised an eyebrow. "So?" he replied.   
"Ha-ha, the robots got you! That means you're out!" Tails called out to   
Yang, who pretended not to notice. Antoine squealed, "Non! Ma petite pomme de   
terre! I weel never be seeing tu again! C'est ne fair pas! Waaaaaah!" and started   
weeping bitterly. Just then, Sonic noticed a sign on the front of the warehouse.   
  
CHAOS EMERALDS   
APPLY WITHIN   
  
Sonic led the other three into the building. Sadly, the only thing that they   
found was a patrol of SWATbots, waiting for someone stupid enough to follow the   
sign to come in. Due to Sonic's extreme shock, and the plot's necessity for him   
and his colleagues to be captured, he put up no struggle whatsoever, and the four   
were carted off the Robotnik's Dungeons'O'Doom(TM).   
When they were securely inside their cell, Julie-Su exclaimed, "Oh no!   
We've been captured by SWATbots! How will we ever escape? For all we know,   
Robotnik could be planning some horrible torture for us, right as we speak! You   
have to do something, Sonic! I'm just the token girl, so I can't think up any heroic   
plan!"   
Sonic sighed. "Well," he replied unhappily, "I _may_ be the hero, but I'm   
also the jerky goofball. I always just rely on Sal to figure a way out of everything.   
You got any ideas, Tails?"   
Tails shook his head. "Nope, Sonic. You see, I'm supposed to be too   
scared to think sensibly right now. In fact, I'm supposed to be...." He took in a deep   
breath, and started to bawl, "SOOO-OOO-OOONNIIIC! SAVE ME!"   
"Well, this is just friggin' sweet!" Julie-Su exclaimed, "How are we going to   
get out now?! See what happens when I rely on YOU guys! You men are all alike....   
so unreliable and immature..... I should just become queer and get it over with!"   
While Julie-Su ranted and Tails cried, a SWATbot with a dinner trolley   
came up to the cell door and cleared its throat.   
"EX-CUSE ME." it said, "WOULD YOU LIKE SOME REFRESHEMTS?   
COFFEE? TEA? MINTS? COCKTAIL SANDWHICHES?"   
Sonic yelled, "You bastards! Let us outta here! We want freedom!   
FREEDOM!"   
Julie-Su cried, "You can take my body.... But you can never take my heart!"   
Tails sniggered, "Heh heh... he said "cocktail"....."   
Antoine squealed, "Oh, Ee eez so handsome! Ah muzt meet zees robot   
up close et pehrzonal!"   
The SWATbot's "gay detector" whirred a little as Antoine sauntered up to   
the door of the cell. He raised an eyebrow seductively, and said, "And what eez   
votre nom, mah little taudis? What eez vous doing in such a narsty part of zee town,   
eh?" Leaning against the side of the door in a way that seemed to erk of gayness,   
Antoine smiled at the SWATbot, and continued, "Ah know of a nahs leetle coffee shop,   
not far from heere...."   
The SWATbot started to look genuinely nervous, which is pretty hard for a   
robot to do. "ARE- ARE YOU _PROPOSITIONING_ ME?" it stuttered, starting to   
sweat lube oil. Antoine grinned, showing off a row of shiny false teeth, and said,   
"Well, if vous puts it zat way, Ah guess zat Ah am...."   
The SWATbot let out a high shrill, and its head exploded. The shield around   
the cell shorted out, and Sonic exclaimed, "We're free! I knew that plan would work!"   
Julie-Su squealed, "Oh, you're so smart, Son- _what_ plan?"   
Sonic put on a clever-looking smile. "Well," he said, "I knew that Antoine   
wouldn't be able to resist the temptation of a hot, sexy-looking SWATbot. So I just   
sat back and bided my time, waiting for the steward-bot to come along. Then, I said   
something angry and heroic, knowing that it would prompt a wussy, queer response   
from Antoine. And of course, we all know that SWATbots are homophobic!"   
Everyone laughed heartily, and Tails exclaimed, "I guess it's o-kay to be   
gay!"   
  
Then they ran like bastards.   
  
  
  
A loud buzzing from the tannoy startled Robotnik, and he jerked the golf   
club in mid-swing, sending the ball flying towards Snively's head. Griping, he grabbed   
the telephone in the wall, and snarled, "Ahr, what is it this time..." into the mouthpiece.   
A monotonous voice replied, "LORD... ROBOTNIK... WE HAVE CAPTURED...   
A... STOOLIE."   
Grinning, Robotnik hissed, "Excellent!" and hung up the phone. Grabbing   
Snively, who was now awake and swearing fluently about the golfball, by the collar, he exclaimed, "Come on, Snively! We've finally got a bird who's willing to sing! And sing,   
he will.........heh heh.... ha... Ha... A-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAA!!!"   
Robotnik's maniacal laughter echoed through the Death Egg, followed by an exclaimation of "SHUT UP!" from Snively. This, in turn, was followed by the sound of   
someone being whacked across the head with a golf club.   
  
In the roboticization chamber, Yang sat on the floor and wondered what would   
happen next. Judging by the large cylinder-shaped pods on the far end of the room,   
he guessed that this was some kind of transportation bay. 'Probably like on "Star   
Trek" or something...' he snorted. A few lone robots stumbled around, working on   
the cylinders and klunking into each other. One tripped over Yang and landed on the   
floor beside him, prompting curses from the both of them.   
"Ow...." the robot snivelled; Yang looked at him, and said, "Who are you?"   
while nursing the paw that the robot had tripped over.   
The robot looked at him with big, enthusiastic eyes, and said, "ME? Why,   
my name is NateDog! You've probably heard of me, I'm quite well known. I'm a   
Seminekkid, and since you probably don't know what that means, it means "Total   
wiener who's terrible at RPing and social relations"! Pretty sugoi, huh? Oh, and sugoi   
means "cool"."   
"Uh...." Yang looked doubtfully at the robot. It was sort of cat-like, with a   
cheap-looking ninja suit and a plastic katana. Upon closer visual examination,   
Yang realized that the suit was a "Sub-Zero(TM)" Halloween costume. The robot   
continued, saying, "I'm a master ninja! I have all sorts of incredible weapons, and I   
can control wind and fire. Would you like to train with me? No, wait, I have to go   
and fight Robotnik. That horrible guy turned me into a robot, and I'm really upset   
about that. Robotnik's really baka, huh? Oh, and baka means, "silly"."   
Yang rolled his eyes. "Oh cripes...." he sighed, "I give up on this planet.   
If I'm not outta here by the end of this story, I'm killing myself and as many of these   
assholes as I can take with me."   
  
Just then, Robotnik and Snively walked into the room. Yang took one look   
at the latter, and began howling with laughter; this prompted Robotnik to chuckle   
sarcastically, and Snively to grunt angrily, then kick Yang in the side of the head.   
"Ow!" Yang exclaimed, "What the hell did you do- say, are you Robotnik?"   
He looked at the ugly little man assesingly, and nodded, saying, "Yeah, I'd guessed   
you probably looked like this. A little un-robotic, maybe..... Why did you choose a   
dorky name like "Robotnik" anyways?"   
Snively turned bright red with fury, and screamed, "OY'M NOT THAT BIG   
FRUIT! DON'T YEW INSULT ME LIKE..." He turned around, and noticing Robotnik   
glaring at him, giggled nervously and added, "Eh.... Oy mean, no. 'E is."   
Snively pointed to the big round guy with the metal arm; when Yang saw   
him, he started laughing again, but louder.   
"WA-AAHAHAHAHAAA!!!! Th- that BEACH-BALL is..... is the villianous   
Robotnik I've been hearing all about?! This place is even worse than I thought!   
Hnnn- haahahaaa... ..uhh...uh..." He gasped for breath as his mirth wore down, then   
said, "So, uh, what are you going to do to me, anyways? Whatever it is, please   
make it quick and painless...."   
Robotnik growled, "Listen, _chuckles_..... You've got a lot of nerve coming   
in here and laughing at me! You obviously don't realize how incredibly evil and   
heartless I am, do you? Well, let me give you a demonstration of my pure   
maliciousness, okay?"   
He took a hamster out of his coat pocket and set it on the floor, then   
stomped it flat, smearing blood and hamster guts across the floor. Yang grimaced   
and shut his eyes at the spectacle, and Snively exclaimed, "Huey!" then fainted.   
"There, you see?" he grinned evilly, "I AM pure malice! Who else but I,   
Doctor Ivo Robotnik, would kill my own nephew's hamster, and in such a horrible and nauseating way?"   
Yang looked exceedingly unimpressed. "Aw, my uncle Bateau did that to   
my pet rats, Honey and Minky....." he muttered. Robotnik snorted in frustration,   
then added, "Ah, but would your uncle have done...... THIS?!" He grabbed Snively's   
unconcious body and flung it out of a nearby window. There was a loud scream,   
followed by a dull *thud* as he hit the ground below.   
Yang rolled his eyes. "How do you think I got this broken nose?"   
Now Robotnik was really pissed off. "Okay, kiddo.... I'll put it this way....   
either you tell me the location of Knothole, or I'll kill you! Is that sweet enough a deal?!"   
"Well, why the hell didn't you just ask me that in the first place, you hippy?   
You didn't have to kill the hamster and your nephew to get me to talk! Anyways, I hate   
these damn mobians!"   
Robotnik's eyes lit up, turning from an angry red to a fruity pink. "Go on!   
Go on!" he exclaimed, excitedly.   
"Oh, sure" Yang said, "It's about 40 miles southeast of here, but you should've   
been able to find it sooner than that.... Hell, why didn't you just scan the forest for   
smoke trails or large amounts of heat?"   
"Well," Robotnik replied, "We, uh........"   
Yang smiled. "Glad to help. Now, can I go? I've got to figure out a way to   
get back to Earth.... Today's Friday, and I don't want to miss "The Simpsons"..."   
"Yeah, no problem..." Robotnik said, "And thanks for the help."   
  
Yang was almost at the door, when Robotnik called out, "Hey, wait a second!"   
Yang turned around, expecting some kind of lame "double-cross" thing, but instead,   
Robotnik tossed him a wad of bills.   
"A while ago, I announced that I'd give $500 to anyone who could tell me the   
location of Knothole. You're the first person who's come to me."   
  
*********   
  
All of Knothole lay in ruins. Robotnik had attacked swiftly, and with little   
opposition; the few who tried to fight were killed, and dead animals lay around, mostly   
ferrets dying dramatically in pools of catsup. Sonic gaped in horror at the scene of   
utter, terrible destruction.... the total decimation of his home-town..... the place where   
he'd grown up, that was so... so dear to his black little heart....   
Tails started to cry. "Soo-oo-oonic," he wailed, "Th-they killed my little garden!   
And my baseball collection is gone forever!"   
Julie-Su squealed, "Oh, it's so horrible! If Robotnik was able to destroy   
Knothole, then he's probably planning to attack Dark Legionville next! I HAVE to stop   
him!"   
Antoine asessed the carnage with the eye of a morbid young aesthetical.   
"Hrm..." he muttered, "Ah would have put a beet more of zee blood ici... Zere should   
have been a deesembowling here, and...."   
Just then, Sonic noticed a single hut, standing in the corner of the village.   
Strangely, it appeared to have been totally unaffected during the attack, and the four   
Freedom Fighters, the only Freedom Fighters left, slowly made their way towards the   
hut, wondering what was inside.   
  
"YANK?!" Sonic exclaimed, shocked. "How the HELL did you survive the   
attack?! What happened?"   
Yang looked over briefly, and muttered, "Hey, can't you guys see I'm watching television?" On the television, a rather new-looking Stony RinTinTrintron, there was an   
episode of "The Simpsons" playing.   
"Cool!" Tails giggled, totally forgetting what had just happened, and sitting   
down on the floor in front of the TV. But Sonic still wanted answers. How could   
Robotnik find Knothole? How could he have decimated it so quickly? Where were the inhanitants who hadn't been killed? And _how in FRIG_ did Yang survive?!   
"But... but..." Sonic said, "The whole damn town just got nuked! Didn't you   
even hear anything?!"   
"Uh, what attack?" Yang replied, leaning back in his seat. Sonic, Antoine, and   
Julie-Su left the hut, and began to search the wreckage for any survivors.... it was the   
only hope for Mobius.......   
  
DE END (finally)   
  
*************************************************************************   
  
Did YOU hate this story? If you did, then feel free to write me at...   
yang_neumann@usa.net   
  
All flames will be appreciated greatly.   
  
If you were offended by this story, then screw you! I thought it was funny, at least!   
  
POSSIBLE QUESTIONS I FOUND MYSELF WONDERING AFTER THE STORY:   
  
Did Snively die after he was thrown out of the window?   
(No, he landed safely in a dungheap below)   
  
Why in HELL did I bother writing this thing in the first place?   
(Read the schpiel at the top)   
  
Who the hell is Yang?   
(Yang is actually a wienery young engineer from the OAV series, "Macross Plus")   
  
Does Yang ever get back to Earth?   
(No.)   
  
Why did I put Julie-Su in the story?   
(Because I hate her, and wanted an opportunity to toast her as well)   
  
What was in Tails' little garden?   
(Probably weed and stinging nettles)   
  
What happened to the citizens of Knothole?   
(They were roboticized, but with their strong will, returned to build Mecha-Knothole.   
{See "Dead Baby's Party"})   
  
Where is Mecha-Knothole?   
(About 1/2 a kilometre east of Knothole. Don't worry, where there are the remains of   
Knothole, the Freedom Fighters erected a handy road-sign pointing to their new town,   
and mentioning all the facilities available)   
  
What's with all the dramatic writing?   
(I was being sarcastic. If you've ever read stories by Aaron Lye or that guy who did   
the "Mach" stories, you'll know what I mean...)   
  
  
Well, until next time....   
  
_____________________________   
MLiH: We're here to offend!   
_____________________________


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